This article was originally published in The Courier on 28th September 2013.
By
Any Means: Sunday, BBC1
Downton
Abbey: Sunday, STV
Paul
Whitelaw
Signs You're Watching a Dreadful TV
Show # 408: its only enjoyable aspect is an appearance by Keith
Allen. Evidently enjoying himself as a villainous tycoon, Allen
brought a much-needed splash of pantomime colour to the otherwise lacklustre By
Any Means.
Created by Tony Jordan in the mould
of his own Hustle – it's basically a shameless rehash –
this dismal comedy-drama follows the exploits of a maverick
underground police unit tasked with catching criminals BY ANY MEANS
necessary. This involves the implementation of various wacky stings,
none of which are as witty or clever as froth such as this demands.
Instead it comes across as a failed attempt to recreate the droll
sheen of classic adventure romps such as The Persuaders.
Our heroes are a gang of hopeless
caricatures – the wisecracking hunk, the sexy woman, the nerdy
computer genius - who come across as insufferably pleased with
themselves. The whole show drowns in a shower of its own glibness.
The need to establish who they were and how they operated resulted in
unsubtle exchanges such as: NERD: “Are we allowed to kill people?”
HUNK: “No.” Replying “it's a grey area” whenever anyone asked
if they were police was employed as a weak running gag throughout.
Despite its zippy pace, episode one
was so colossally dull its only highlight other than Allen's
performance was an unexpected cameo from human knitwear catalogue
Martin Jarvis. Matters weren't helped by the supporting presence of Gina McKee, an actress whose restraint often borders on the
comatose.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of
escapism, but By Any Means is far too shallow for its own
good. No amount of production swagger can disguise its tiredness. The
How-We-Did-It flashback montage towards the end of the episode summed
it all up: we were clearly supposed to marvel at the cleverness of
their elaborate scheme to ensnare Allen's character, but instead it
felt like a hack magician performing an underwhelming card trick.
Within the opening moments of the
returning Downton Abbey, the house thronged with the news that
Mrs O'Brien had taken employment elsewhere, thus swiftly taking care
of Siobhan Finneran's decision to leave the show. Subtlety has never
been Downton's strong point.
Now little more than an exposition
generator, Lord Grantham spent most of the episode explaining to
anyone who'd listen the legal complexities of managing the estate.
Meanwhile, Lady Mary was deep in mourning for Matthew, purely, I
believe, as an excuse for Michelle Dockery's inexpressiveness. That
she's received TWO Emmy nominations for her monotonous performance is
baffling, even if one takes into account America's almost endearing
view of Downton as a serious, prestigious drama.
It isn't, of course. It's an
elegantly tailored soap, enjoyable for what it is, but hardly
Brideshead Mark II. I'd doubtless enjoy it more if A) its
ungainly dialogue didn't sound like Esperanto fed through Google
Translate, and B) if it wasn't a strained wail of masturbatory nostalgia
from a spoon-obsessed Tory Baron.
Anyway, following a hug from Carson
and a compassionate pep talk from the wise old Dowager Countess –
during which she urged her grieving granddaughter to choose life,
like Trainspotting's Renton in corset and frills – Lady Mary
regained her former vigour (i.e. none whatsoever) and by episode's
end she was negotiating with sheep-farmers like the best of them. And
lo, the Emmy judges did smile.
PREVIEWS
Some Girls
Monday, BBC3, 10pm
As this likeable, nicely observed
sitcom about four boy-obsessed teenage schoolgirls returns, they
exploit the sudden death of a teacher to spend time with their
dashing young grief counsellor. Bolstered by an excellent young cast,
it's charmingly brusque.
House of Surrogates
Tuesday, BBC4, 9pm
This troubling documentary
investigates a booming industry led by Dr Nayna Patel, a hugely
controversial figure who runs a clinic occupied by poor Indian women
who receive payment for acting as surrogates for childless couples
from around the world.
Educating Yorkshire
Thursday, Channel 4, 9pm
In the latest instalment of this
delightful documentary, the focus rests on kids hitting puberty as
they choose the GCSE subjects which may well impact on their later
lives. It also provides a poignant study of their sweetly supportive
year leader, Mr Moses.
The Blacklist
Friday, Sky Living, 9pm
James Spader stars as one of the
world's most wanted criminals in this enjoyable new US thriller.
After giving himself up at FBI headquarters, he offers his help in
tracking down terrorists, but only on his own ambiguous terms. Think
Hannibal meets 24.
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