This article was originally published in The Courier on 7 September 2013.
The
Guilty: Thursday, STV
Pat
& Cabbage: Thursday, STV
Through
The Keyhole: Saturday, STV
Paul
Whitelaw
An
ITV thriller so leaden and generic they may as well have called it 'A
Crime Done Happened', The Guilty is remarkable only in that it
takes an emotive subject – the abduction and murder of a child –
and reduces it to nothing. What should've been a powerful drama
exploring thought-provoking themes of guilt, deception and parental
responsibility is instead just another corny, forgettable cop show.
Tamsin
Greig plays the detective in charge of the investigation, although
she spends most of her time looking distracted and confused, as
though she's just wandered into shot by mistake. But I doubt any
actor could breathe life into such a bland, uninteresting role.
Set
in middle-class suburbia, it takes a hoary old theme – what
darkness lurks behind the veneer of seemingly civilised society? -
and does nothing new with it. It also suffers in comparison to recent
dramas such as Broadchurch and Top Of The Lake, which
covered similar territory in a far more effective fashion. But it
does at least provide, however inadvertently, a useful tip for
aspiring crime writers: if you're going to employ a recurring
flashback device, do make sure that it adds to, rather than detracts
from, the central mystery. A schoolboy error.
ITV
scored another misfire with Pat & Cabbage, a terminally
mild sitcom in which Barbara Flynn, channelling her inner Terry
Scott, looks permanently aghast at the “irrepressible” antics of
Cherie Lunghi.
They're
best friends looking for love, which naturally leads them into a
tired series of inconsequential japes. Pat (Flynn) is sensible,
Cabbage (Lunghi) isn't. Peter Davison plays A Nice Man. Cabbage, the
scamp, encourages Pat to stalk the Nice Man. A nation wonders why Pat
would put up with such an irritating presence in her life. And what
kind of a nickname is 'Cabbage' anyway? Episode one yielded no
explanation. They're probably saving that comic bombshell for a later
episode.
Like
every barely remembered pre-watershed 1980s sitcom rolled into one
soporific bundle, Pat & Cabbage is clumsily contrived and
completely uninspired.
The
sad news of David Frost's death was compounded last week by the
horrifying revival of his fondly remembered parlour game, Through
The Keyhole. Not so much updated as grievously assaulted, it's
now yet another inexcusable vehicle for the charmless Keith Lemon,
alias comedian Leigh Francis, whose continuing success is one of the
most baffling mysteries of our age.
A
uniquely talentless chancer who's milked a career from attaching
himself to celebrities and occasionally dropping his trousers,
Francis brings to Through The Keyhole all of the witlessness
for which he's renowned. Although the format is essentially unchanged
– a panel of celebrities try to guess the identity of a fellow
celeb by being shown around their home – its most glaring
alteration is that, in lieu of Lloyd Grossman, Francis doubles as
host and snooper. This cruel bid to maximise his screen time results
in him rummaging through wardrobes and trying on clothes. It's truly
desperate stuff.
Back
in the studio, Francis engaged in drivelling banter with celebrated
humorists Eamonn Holmes, Martine McCutcheon and someone by the name
of Dave Berry. I've absolutely no idea who this man is, but ITV
evidently regard him as a major talent, since he's been installed as
a regular panellist.
Oh,
ITV. What hast thou wrought?
ONE
TO MISS
Boom
Town
Wednesday, BBC3, 10pm
Truly one of the direst, cheapest,
most depressing sketch shows I've ever had the misfortune to
witness, Boom Town is populated by useless non-professional
actors whose various “quirks” - a hapless rapper, a boring
trainspotter, a male witch – are paraded before our eyes as
if they're funny in and of themselves. Staggering in its lack of
effort and inspiration, this execrable dud is an insult, not only to
viewers, but also to professional comedy writers and performers. You
have been warned.
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